I consider myself to be a foodie. I like a lot of things that most people do not like. I eat meat off the bone. I love mussels. I love raw oysters, blue cheese, anchovies… well, the list goes on. I love hot and spicey food. I do not shy away from habanero peppers. Sardines make a tasty lunch for me on many days. If you tell me want to try a food from some country I have never heard of, I jump at the chance. When I am perusing the menu and I see something that sounds weird I will usually order it for just that reason.
BUT, yes, there is a but… there are some things that I have either tried and did not like. Things that make me feel like less on a foodie than I am. Or there are things that I really will not try. I am a fair weather vegetarian. Some part of an animal’s body makes me squeamish. This where I become ashamed and also a bit judgy. What kind of foodie can I really be if I won’t eat anything and everything put in front of me?
And when I say that, I do not mean Chili’s, the only restaurant aside from the now defunct Bennigan’s that I think should not even be allowed to call itself a restaurant. When I say “anything” I mean organ meats, sweet breads, and insects. And yeah….no.
So here is the list:
- Organ meats. I have had liver. Let’s go back to the year 1989. I was staying at my best friend’s house and there was this smell. It was HORRIBLE. This was an odor that got into your pores and ingratiated itself into the cells of your mouth and mucus membranes. You could taste this odious aroma when you exhaled. It was a smell you could actually taste and when we left her house, we could still taste it on our tongues. Finally, after her parents tired of listening to us bitch about it, her dad went up to the attic to investigate. As it turns out, there was a dead rat or maybe a bunch of dead rats. That is what liver tastes like to me. Therefor, I do not eat organ meat. Also (judgey comment) I know what the function of the liver is, so…. no. That being said, I will eat soft shell crab which apparently has poop in it. I will also eat shellfish, mussels, oysters, and shrimp, all of which are bottom feeders and also eat excrement. According to Joel Osteen. (That I don’t care about. I think he and his wife are fucking crazy anyway.)
- Sweet meats. I know what they are. Once again, I do not like poop. I don’t even like to clean up my dog’s poop. Which I have to do a lot since he is getting older and is less interested in waiting for me to take him outside. I do not want to eat intestines. This makes me angry because it seems like all real foodies enjoy eating poop and insects. And they do it with relish. My friends all think I eat weird shit. They ain’t seen nothin’. This is why I refer to myself as a watered down version of Anthony Bourdain. Why can’t I bring myself to eat poopy things and insects? I wish I could just cowboy up and do it!
- Escargot. This also falls into the category of things that do not look appetizing when they are alive and therefor, probably won’t be appetizing even if it is soaked in butter and garlic, two things that I believe are food of the gods. Also, they are chewy. I do not like chewy. And, here is another hypocrite moment because I adore octopus when it is done right.
- Civet coffee beans. Yeah. But, no.
- Frog legs. I know. I know! They taste just like chicken. That’s great. I will just eat chicken then. Okay, this is hypocritical of me but frogs are really cute and so are chickens. But when I looks at a chicken, I see how it could taste good. When I look at a frog and think of eating it, I feel sick. Also, my first memory of Kermit the frog was that awful movie where some guy was trying to kidnap him for his legs. I had nightmares about Kermit the frog after seeing that movie. I have, however, eaten crocodile and alligator. They taste like chicken. I was probably really drunk when I tried these things because they don’t look like a good time in my mouth either.
- Rattlesnake. Have you ever seen a rattlesnake in a meat case? I have. It made want to vomit. Now, this was back when I was vegan but still…
- Mountain Oysters. Yeah. You know, first of all, they look like they would taste really chewy and I am not a big fan of chewy. Also, they’re balls, dude. Testicles. I don’t know what to think about that. I really am a stickler for texture though. I do not like cold and gelatinous and I do not like chewy.
- Okay, this is a weird one. Clear noodles. They are often called glass noodles. They make me feel so queasy. I don’t know what it is. They are pretty common in Korean food which is a shame because I love almost all Asian foods but because of those clear noodles I tend to not love Korean food as much. I think this is my weirdest food hang up ever. I don’t know what is wrong with me but when I see those clear noodles I just feel like hurling.
- Rosemary. I am starting to get over my dislike for this ever so popular herb. It seems like every place in Houston loves to season the shit out of every fucking dish with rosemary. I am starting to appreciate it though. I think it all started with my love for aromatherapy. I went through a phase where I was bathing in rosemary oil everyday, which I love the smell of. Then I would eat something heavily seasoned with rosemary and I would feel like I was eating something seasoned with my bath water. I know. I am a weirdo.
- Then there are things that, as a self-proclaimed foodie, I should eat. Like Osso Bucco, braised short ribs, veal, foie gras (which I have tried and enjoyed but the ducks with the string tied around the neck and all that? Ugh!), whole roasted pigs, ETC. And I am a hypocrite because the main reason I don’t eat most of the things I just listed is because I really do love animals and hate to think of the torture they went though. Yet, if my husband suggests going to out to eat wings I get excited and giddy and eat my weight in them. Agghhh! I drive myself crazy with this.
Okay, so there you have it. I am ashamed to admit it. I know I am a hypocrite. I am almost glad that I have no readers because food seems to make people really livid and I am sure a lot of people would attack me after reading this. I have seen a whole mess of vitriol thrown at bloggers and food critics like Julie Powell and Katharine Shilcutt and I think geez, people, it’s just food!
But, it’s not just food. And if I thought it was, I wouldn’t be here writing about it, would I?