Look, I know. I know! I am an insufferable food snob. I make myself want to vomit sometimes. But I don’t what the world is coming to. The crap people call food today. It boggles the mind.
I had my students do an assignment where they were supposed to pretend to be food critics. It was an assignment on Thesaurus use. I even had them read two reviews, one written by Katharine Shilcutt and the other by Alison Cook. The idea was to show them how there are other ways to describe things when writing other than using words like “good” and “bad”.
You can imagine my horror and disgust when my poor students turned in papers written about Burger King, Applebees, and Casa Ole. I wasn’t aghast at the poor grammar usage, lack of proper punctuation, or the fact that they used non words like “alot” or wrote in the same format that they would use while sending a text. I was flabbergasted that they were pretending to review places like fucking Applebees. I came home from school and demanded that my husband look at the atrocities that my students had turned in. I literally handed him the papers like they were covered in fecal matter. He looked over them and then looked up at me and said: “Honey, look at the age group you are dealing with.”Age group? You mean the age group of eighteen to twenty-five? Yeah, I remember that age group. When I was that age I was eating Vietnamese food in restaurants that looked they probably doubled as free housing to a multitude of rodents. Why? Because the food in these places is usually authentic and delicious. I wasn’t eating at places like Burger King unless I was desperate and had just plain given up.
What was I thinking? My poor students never stood a chance against me and my food snobbery.
I am an asshole. I secretly judge people who don’t like to try new things. When a friend suggests lunch at Chilis, I look at them and realize that I never really knew them and contemplate ending the friendship. I mean how can I really enjoy myself around a person who thinks that the Olive Garden is where it’s at?
Here are some things that I am a straight up jerk about.
1) Anchovies and sardines. Never ever make gagging noises when I mention that I ate one of these two things for my last meal. Pull the stick out of your ass and put the Taco Bell value meal down. I remember my first anchovy experience. My boyfriend at the time (who was from New Orleans which might explain why he had an awesome palette for food) ordered a salad that had big, long hairy anchovies draped lazily across the lettuce. When I mentioned that I had never tried them before he told me that I had to at least try them. I admit they looked disgusting but I was intrigued. Everyone else at the table kept shouting at me not to do it. He finally shouted at them to shut up and leave me alone. I put one in my mouth. It was amazing. It was salty and tangy and tasted of the ocean. On a salad it added the saltines and the kick that the salad needed. The last time I went to Cafe Rita, I ordered the fried anchovies. I will always be thankful to my ex for hooking me up with anchovies.
2) Velveeta. There is really only one thing that Velveeta should ever be used for. Otherwise, get it out of my face.
3) People who are squeamish about the way a restaurant looks. The best food comes out of holes in the walls and trucks. Trust me on this.
4) Places like Applebees, Super Salad, and Olive Garden do not serve real food. For that matter, neither does Lupe Tortilla. I get severe shits every time I eat there.
5) Canned food? Canned spinach? I have never fully forgiven my mother for forcing me to eat that shit when I was a kid. Frozen vegetables have their merits but canned… no. Except tomatoes. I can dig it.
6) White Zinfadel. Are you freaking kidding me? Friends don’t let friends drink White Zinfadel.
7) White meat. With very few exceptions white meat tastes like seasoned shoe laces that have been cooked.
8) Ice burg lettuce. When I order a salad and I get a plate of ice burg lettuce all I think of is shame on that restaurant.
9) Airplane food. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results even though you get the same one each time or so I have been told. Every single time I am on a plane and they announce what they are serving, it aways sounds good. Like how could anyone fuck that up is what I am usually thinking. And they do. Fuck it up. Every. Single. Time. I would rather eat Taco Bell.
10) If you don’t like mussels, oysters, big shrimp with the head on, or stinky cheese, then I don’t think we can be friends. Did I mention White Zinfadel?
11) Coffee should be black, bitter, and hot. Maybe some cream. Sugar? I will give you your sugar. But Frappuccinos, or anything in the ‘chino’ family is NOT coffee. It’s a fucking milkshake with caffeine, you pussies.
12) Muffins. Ooh, look at me. I am eating a muffin for breakfast. Not an evil donut but a muffin. Um yeah… you’re not eating a donut. You are eating a cupcake without the icing. For breakfast. Now, there are some mornings where I just feel like saying fuck you to my health and starting my day off with something crappy but not everyday. Trust me, you are headed towards Diabetes if you are starting your days off with a muffin.
13) Fried rice. If you are in an Asian restaurant and you order friend rice when there is a plethora of amazing dishes at your disposal, then I don’t have much use for you.
14) Anything in the form of a loaf irks me. It is like giving up. Like, I don’t have time but I do have some ground beef that is about to go bad and oh look a bottle of ketchup. Then it gets mashed up in a loaf and shoved into the oven and there is a gelatinous coating of ketchup on top of it. Vile. I hated this crap when I was a red meat-eater. Furthermore, the seventies are so over.
15) Ketchup. why is this condiment so popular when there are so many other fabulous condiments out there?
16) Things I normally hate to order in a restaurant: sandwiches, spaghetti, and… that’s all I can think of. Anything I can make myself I don’t really want to pay for someone else to make. Now, Vietnemese sandwiches rock it.
17) Ethnic food. I am the only woman who my husband has ever dated that loves trying new foods. I travel with the food in mind. The fact that my husband is half Vietnamese and a) knows how to make the food and b) has a mother who loves cooking for people was a deciding factor in my decision to go out with him. You think I’m kidding? I cannot think of a food I have tried that I did not like. Even Ethiopian. And I cannot get anyone to try Ethiopian food with me. Even my husband doesn’t like it.
18) Outback Steakhouse served me the nastiest salmon dish I have ever had. It was clearly frozen. And not just frozen salmon, but pre-cooked and then frozen and then later thawed out and/or microwaved. Those criss cross grill marks did not fool me.
19) When I was younger, I thought Pancho’s was the shit. I now have no idea what I was thinking.
20) How can you not like blue cheese. How? I ask you? Or any sticky cheese for that matter!
I do like Cheetos. And Taco Cabana at times. And mac and cheese.
Don’t take this personally. I love you all. Now, I am going to snack on some freaky, aged cheddar infused with Horseradish while i get ready for the Mildred’s Umbrella gala.