I know I’m annoying as hell about food. When Gwyneth Paltrow said she would rather “smoke crack than eat cheese out of a tin”, people excoriated her on various online forums for a being a pretentious, self-entitled brat. But, I secretly agreed. I would rather smoke crack than eat a lot of things out of a can. However, I did have on ongoing love affair with Vienna sausages when I was a kid.
That being said, I should give thanks and praise where it is due. Therefor, I am going to share with you some of the things that I like that fall under the category of things I normally complain about. By that I mean, I am going to describe all the white trash, processed food, fast food items that I love.
1) Taco Cabana. I love this place. I know it’s fast food, and I know I’m on the record saying that fast food is for people who have “given up.” But TC is just plain good. They actually have decent vegetarian options on their menu, and their fresh salsa bar is a seriously praise worthy. They offer a variety of different types of salsa from green to red, to a chipotle smoky variety. On top of that, they have peppers, onions, lime wedges, and fresh cilantro. And I’d do a lot of illegal things for those tortillas. One of my friends actually called the corporate headquarters and tried to convince them to build a Taco Cabana on the vacant lot next to her house.
2) Beck’s Prime. I know I don’t eat a lot of meat, so some of my reviews are biased, but they have tasty fish burger. Now, I can’t remember what kind of fish. I could swear a while back they had swordfish burgers, but now they serve a tuna burger. They also have sweet potato fries for those of you who like them.
3) El Rey, Ruchis, and Tapatia- the three taquerias of the gods. El Rey differs from the other two as it is Cuban versus Mexican, but all three have great Tacos. The food is inexpensive, some of it is quite fresh, and you don’t wait an hour for a table like you would at most Mexican restaurants. Ruchis also serves big chunks of pickled garlic that is delicious when mashed and then dipped in their green salsa.
4) Collina’s. It’s Italian, and while I’m not a huge fan of Italian based on the premise that I can make my own spaghetti, they have good pizza and the best calamari I have had. As much as I adore battered and fried calamari, they have a calamari that is sauteed in wine and butter, which is both lighter and more flavorful. I’m a sucker for rare acts of simplicity.
5) Whataburger. Hey, their egg taquitos are fabulously white trash with their non-homemade tortillas and processed cheese. Their Whatacatch rocks too.
6) McDonald’s fries. You heard me. They are long and crispy and taste like were battered in pure salt. Yum!
7) Good old fashioned peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I love natural peanut butter and prefer it over the typical kind with hydrogenated oils and sugar. Natural peanut butter just has substance and flavor that regular peanut butter doesn’t have. However, I cannot quit the processed refined white sugar trans-fat bleached white flower goodness that makes up a Jiff (or whatever brand you love) and Smuckers strawberry jelly on that white bread that balls up on the roof of your mouth.
8) While I am a chocolate snob, preferring the artisianal dark chocolate that is more cocoa than sugar, I will slap your mom in the face with my dick for a Reesus buttercup.
9) Ruffles and Cheetos. I certainly appreciate the effort of those companies that try to put a healthy spin on these products, but junk food is junk food and every now and then I just accept the fact that I am putting absolute crap in my body and I just go for it. Radioactive orange coating that I get to lick off my finger? I can eat a whole bag of those crunchy little bitches.
10) Luby’s. There. I said it. I love Luby’s. Their reconstituted mashed potatoes and gelatinous gravy. Their fried okra and that fried fish (I don’t what that really was on my plate but that’s what they called it), and their jalapeno corn bread! Damn!!!
Bonus round- corn dogs and hot dogs with yellow mustard. None of that fancy stuff but bright yellow mustard. For the hot dog, along with the mustard, there has to be a slice or two of that processed cheese that comes in those little fold over wrappers (yes, the very cheese I normally curl my lip at in disgust), and canned sliced jalapenos.
So there you have it. I too have my own bad taste in food sometimes. And sometimes it’s the perfect craving that needs to be satiated. Nothing makes me happier when I am PMSing than a plate full of greasy cheesy enchiladas.